Web Funny

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. 

If your father smokes three packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. 

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. 

And if a crazed person breaks into a jet cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates!

A lady writes in to her local newspaper’s advice column:  “Hi, I think that my son might have a marijuana plant growing in my kitchen.  What should I do?”

The next day, the answer was posted in the paper:  “Take some of the leaves, cut them up, dry them, mix them in with some tobacco, roll it into a cigarette, and then smoke it.  If you’re still worried afterwards, then it’s a sunflower.”

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room watching a medical show on TV.  I turned to them and said, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

So they got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.  What happened?  You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate.  “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg?  You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.  My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”

“So, then what about that eye patch?”

“Oh.” said the pirate.  “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender.  “You lost an eye just from bird shit?”

“No, it was my first day with the hook.”

A nice, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well cared for.

He calmly walked over to greet me.  I gave him a few pats on his head.  He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later he awoke refreshed, went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day my new furry friend was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside, lay down on his spot in the hall and slept again for about an hour.  This continued off and on for many days.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who is the owner of this wonderful sweet dog and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “’He lives in a home with six children — two under the age of 3 — and he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Doggie Fun

I will seek and find you…

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy and beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Flu Report

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.  She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a pretty glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated — of all things — a condom!

When Miss Beatrice returned with tea and scones, she and the minister began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful?  I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  And do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?!”

Worried about the H1N1 flu?

This is the ugliest cat I’ve ever seen!  Next thing you know, they’ll find a “black cat” with a white stripe down its back and wonder why it’s so stinky.

My how times have changed since the Leave it Beaver era.  The original source of this image is unknown, but it was sent to me by the “Life Stylist” at Eye-4-Style.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?