Web Funny

It’s time for our annual ritual of creating a list of idealistic and ultimately unrealistic goals called “New Years Resolutions” that we pledge to adopt for the coming year but usually abandon by late January.  Wikipedia defines a New Years Resolution as a commitment that an individual makes to finishing a project, reforming a habit or making a positive lifestyle change.

Although computer programmers are an intelligent bunch, our higher technical capabilities often translate into lower social and people skills.  Plus we are constantly seeking to improve our technical knowledge by learning new tricks and tools.  Therefore, programmers can benefit from New Years Resolutions as much as anyone.

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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.  One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed four objects on his study table:

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whisky
4. And a Playboy magazine

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From Yahoo Answers.  The "Best Answer" answers the question both perfectly and not at all.

Here’s a funny video montage of cars attempting to climb an icy hill in Portland, Oregon.  By Bob Cronk.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out and about, Heaven knows where.

Then when Santa began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the sweeper.

Just then the doorbell rang, and a highly-irritated Santa marched to the door and yanked it open.  There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa, isn’t this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps please?”

The clerk says, “What denomination?”

So the blonde says, “God help us!  Has it really come to this?  OK, then give me 20 Catholic stamps, 10 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 10 Baptists.”

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down.  The flight attendant sees her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She sees the blonde paid for economy class, so the flight attendant tells the blonde she will have to return to her seat in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class but belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes to first class and attempts to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde again replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot sulks back to the cockpit and informs the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting to arrest the blonde when they land.

The pilot replies, “You say the woman is a blonde?  Don’t worry, I’ll handle this.  I’m married to a blonde.  I speak blonde.”

So the pilot goes to first class and whispers something in the blonde’s ear.  The blonde looks up and says, “Oh, I’m sorry.”  She then promptly gets up and returns to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are stunned and ask the pilot what he whispered to make the blonde move without a fuss.

And the pilot says, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Toronto .”

Here’s a bit of advice for all my male readers:  Never, ever buy household appliances for your wife or girlfriend on her birthday or your anniversary!

I would laugh if only I could stop crying!