Web Funny

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.  While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).  He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).  After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.  After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with gas (DRILLED IN SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying American job.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while.  He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA).  Then he sat down and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA.

From xkcd

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

After he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Dan decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” Dan told the woman, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I will inherit his 30 million dollar fortune!”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

MORAL: Women are much better than men at financial planning.

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.  When he arrived at the first one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” the man asked.

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.  His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house.  We observe all union rules.”

So the man asked, “If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20,” the Madame answered.

“That’s more like it!” the union man exclaimed.  He handed the Madame $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

“I’d like her,” he said.

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madame.  Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 67 years seniority, and according to union rules, she’s next.”

David Letterman honors outgoing president George W. Bush with the Top 10 Moments of the Bush presidency:

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.  After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no.

Then the hillbilly asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman again shakes her head no and begins to turn blue.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.  The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and a piece of food flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.  His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!”

From Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Because of the bad economy, the divorce rate is down.  The failing economy is causing couples to stay together.  They can’t afford to break up.

That’s good news, guys.  Not only have you lost half your money, you’ve still got the wife!

From Late Night with Conan O’Brien:

Toyota is developing a miniature environmentally-friendly car that’s powered entirely by a rechargeable battery.

Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rainforest trees and panda blood.

From Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Congress says this week that they are looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal.

So the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

That should work out well!  NOT!

From xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language.