Computer geeks often complain that they cannot get a (real human female) date. But have they ever used their incredible analytical skills to find the root of this problem? Perhaps this graph has the answer:
Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more criminals left in the neighborhood for him to eat. His name is Max, but he also answers to the name given to him by most of the criminals: “Holy Sh**!”
Here is a funny comic about psychics (warning: adult language).
From xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
The cop ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.
(Warning: Adult themes)
A wealthy man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. So he gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first woman does a complete makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon and gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the initial $5,000 gift. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man is impressed.
The man thinks for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then after a long, thoughtful and careful analysis:
The man married the one with the biggest boobs.
We all know that software licenses are a joke. They’re overly long, full of complex legalese, and completely indemnify the software manufacturer of any responsibility whatsoever. Software is perhaps the only mainstream business in the world where it’s both expected and accepted that its products are flawed.
So it’s quite refreshing to see a software license that’s short, to-the-point, and brutally honest:
We’ve discussed before the “21 Laws of Computer Programming.” Now PC World has come up with “35 Unwritten Laws of Technology.” Here are some of my favorites:
The likelihood that Windows will automatically install time-sucking critical updates is directly proportional to your need to get your PC started. — Steve Fox, PC World
Your backup plan is only as good as your last successful restore. — Michael Fisher, ElephantDrive.com via HARO
Fix a computer for a friend or family member, and you’ll be tech support for life. — Danny Allen, PC World
Your laptop’s battery life is inversely proportional to the amount of work you need to get done on a single charge. — Blair Hanley Frank, Macworld
iTunes will crash. That’s it. No, really. — Darren Gladstone, PC World
This video, narrated by Jimmy Kimmel, shows “Octomom” Nadia Suleman giving birth to her 8 babies. Perhaps the doctor should have worn a catcher’s mitt.
Actual conversation at a national computer chain store:
Customer: Now what does this 512MB of RAM mean on this PC?
Salesman: Umm… RAM is what slows down your PC. See, it rams into your processing power, causing slowdowns. That’s why it’s called RAM.
Customer: Are you sure?
Salesman: Who’s the expert here?
From the Page-A-Day® calendar, 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said
If there’s one thing the world is lacking, it’s sarcasm. People are just too nice to each other, so there’s nothing like a little sarcasm to brighten your day. (That was sarcasm, by the way.)
So in that cynical spirit, Cracked.com asked its readers to submit examples of sarcasm in our modern world. For example:
(Warning: adult language)
