Don’t look now, but I think the TV guy is actually a wanted criminal…
From the always-entertaining FailBlog.org
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Appalachian foothills of Kentucky and was on her first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, the social worker went up and knocked on the door. “Anybody home?” she asked.
“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”
26Sep
Kanye West Interrupts Obama’s Speech to Congress
Author: TheJoker | Category: Funny Politics, Funny Videos
It turns out that Congressman Joe Wilson wasn’t the only distraction during Obama’s speech to a joint session of Congress. Rapper Kanye West interrupted Obama’s discussion of health care reform to plug Beyonce’s new video.
Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by. One of the old ladies yelled out, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you old fools can guess my age.”
One of the ladies said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underwear, and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, the old man dropped his drawers.
The ladies asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years
old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old geezer asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Holy Taco has collected 25 of the funniest Lost and Found signs, including this “Found” sign for a gay dog:
From TwitPic: “LMAO! I found this in the fridge at my office… I had no idea that @Kanye was at my office today.”
A pizza with radius z and crust height a, has a volume calculated by:A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday the new priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “The Late J.C.”
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, He said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with a Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yay God.”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
A father put his 4-year-old son to bed, told him a story, and listened to his prayers, which he ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?”
The little boy replied, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do.”
The next day, Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence indeed.
A few months later the father put the boy to bed and listened to his prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died. “Oh my gosh,” thought the father, “my sweet little boy is in contact with the other side.”
Several months later when the boy was going to bed, the father heard his son say: “God bless Mommy, and good-bye Daddy.”
The father practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to work. He took the bus so he wouldn’t get in a car accident. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch, and watched the clock as the hours slowly ticked away. He figured if he could get by until midnight, then he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the work day, he remained at work, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief to still be alive, and took a taxi home.
When he arrived at home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had one of the worst days of my life. But thankfully it’s over.”
So his wife replied, “You think you’ve had a bad day! You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my tennis coach dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!”
