A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, unable to fall asleep because a dog has been barking in their neighbor’s backyard for hours.
The blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this!” and goes downstairs.
The blonde returns to bed after a few minutes with a smile on her face. So her husband asks, “The neighbor’s dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
The blonde replies, “I put their dog in OUR backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!”
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers:
Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Your Mom and I first met in a chat room on Yahoo. We really hit it off, so I set up a date with your Mom via email. Our first date was at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room and googled each other. Then your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said:
“You’ve got MALE!”
Photo by Erin Lee, used under license
Socks are only for bowling.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You know that anything under a Category 3 hurricane just isn’t worth waking up for.
You dread lovebug season.
You’re younger than thirty, but some of your friends are over 65.
You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children — John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough — plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A teenage boy just passed his driving test and asked his father if he could use the family car.
His father anticipated this question and replied, “I’ll make you a deal. If you bring your grades up to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, you can use the car.”
The boy thought about it for a moment and agreed to take the offer.
About six weeks later his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, you’ve been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t cut your hair.”
The boy answered, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. I noticed the Bible says that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair … and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
So his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
At a recent U2 concert in Scotland, lead singer and social activist Bono asked the audience for complete silence. Once the crowd was quiet, Bono started clapping his hands together every few seconds. After a minute or so, Bono leaned into the microphone and said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
At which point a man in the front row yelled in a thick Scottish accent: "Well then stop clapping, ya evil basterd!"
The kids filed back into class on Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit, and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said. “I made $45 and explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath …
Warning: Adult themes
Nearly every morning a guy walks up to a female co-worker at the office coffee machine, leans in, inhales a big breath of air, and remarks that her hair smells terrific.
After a week of this behavior, the woman can’t stand it anymore, so she stops by the Human Resources department to file a sexual harassment complaint against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith, the little person."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling rather hungry, the cannibal sat down and looked over the menu:
Grilled Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $7
Fried Explorer: $9
Baked Democrat or Republican: $150
The cannibal called over the waiter and asked, “Why is there such a price difference for the Politician?”
The waiter replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning!”
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
