Web Funny

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.  You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).  One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stories: spilled milk, pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.  “Janie, do you have a story to share?” the teacher asked.

“Yes ma’am.  My daddy told me a story about my mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.  My mommy shot 15 of them with her pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher.  “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.  After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings.  Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone.  Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi…  I’m so glad that you called…  Really?  That’s wonderful…  I am so happy for you…  That sounds terrific…  Thanks…  OK, goodbye, Dear.”

The woman hangs up the phone, and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was just my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having with you on his fishing trip.”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better.  I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child!  So what do you think about that, Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.  “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

“One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

“He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’.

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

From Politically Incorrect Humor

During a recent security audit, a company discovered that a
blonde employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When the company asked the blonde why she had such a long password, she said the login screen required the password to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

From Politically Incorrect Humor

A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.  The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady.  Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.  The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thankya, ma’am.  Ah’m real flattered.  Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied.  “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

A woman brought a very limp duck to her veterinary surgeon.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure.  The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.  "I mean you haven’t done any tests on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.  "$150??" she cried.  "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead??"

The vet shrugged.  "I’m sorry, if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.  But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150."

Heaven is where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It’s all organized by the Italians.

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin.  I’ve been with another man.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.  Who’s the other guy?”

“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.

Read more…

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor started, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” replied Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor pondered for a moment and said, “Okay, go ahead.”

Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It’s a bet.”

Read more…