Web Funny

An elderly man named George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed.  George opened the back door to turn off the light, but he saw there were a couple thieves stealing things from his shed.

George immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

George said, “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

The police dispatcher responded, “I’m sorry, sir, but all patrols are currently busy.  You should lock your doors, and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay,” and hung up the phone.  He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. 

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed…  Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore because I just shot and killed them both, and my dogs are eating them right now.”  And before he could hear a reply, George hung up the phone. 

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at George’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

To which George replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said.  “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” the doctor replied.  “A normal person would pull the plug in the drain.  So would you like a bed near the window?”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better.  I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child!  So what do you think about that, Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.  “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

“One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

“He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’.

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

From Politically Incorrect Humor

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor started, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” replied Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor pondered for a moment and said, “Okay, go ahead.”

Grandpa said, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It’s a bet.”

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